I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
