my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
