Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
