you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
