Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
