everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
