he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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