So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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