I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
