haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
