Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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