I wish I only lived at night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
