Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
