I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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