I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
