I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
