I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
