We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
