I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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