just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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