Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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