According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
