I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Send help, water and tortillas.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
