if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
