My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
