i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
