I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
