I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
