You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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