Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
