woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
