god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
