You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
