There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
