He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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