cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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