The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
