Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize