Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
