Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
