Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
