Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
