you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
