Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
