Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
