It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
