Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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