You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
