Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's the barista slut.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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