By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
