based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
