Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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